Pirates of The Caribean: At Plot's End

This is why I have to write the stuff down while I'm still angry.

Let's start. Opening. Allusion to Bush's Patriot Act. "There will temporarily be a loss of rights, such as right to a lawyer." Welcome to heavy-handed. Anyone caught cavorting with a pirate, talking to a pirate, talking LIKE a pirate, or otherwise wearing an eye-patch with a wooden leg for Halloween will be murdered with a cold blood thirst people are being murdered like in the streets of Baghdad. Pirate is metaphor for terrorist, and the British Gub'ment is a metaphor for G-Dub. Gay? Check.

"They're singing... Good."

Blah blah, I'm Chow Yun Fat, and these writers and directors want me to over-act. Sweet. And where's my fucking steam? Better question: who cares? The chick was shot in the head. It was as if she was going to get some sort of vengeance, instead you got fake hate. So angry!

Barbosa was foilrific in these scenes. Comedy AND explanation.

Let's see if we can confuse the hell out of all the players here. I plan to write this as disjointedly as the movie through around plot twists, betrayals, agonizingly trying to be clever and confusing all at the same time, without a whole lot of success in doing any of the aforementioned in a reasonable execution.

The title was "At World's End", when, in all actuality, only the first of three acts spent any time there, and that was negliable. I kept hearing Ed Norton from Fight Club when I was watching Jack's nose. "I am Jack's Smelling Nose." That scene insensed me. Gore, Bruckheimer, and God knows who else said "Hey, what can we do to oversaturate the crowd with as much Jack Sparrow as possible? Hey, let's have 2 MILLION Jacks, like they did with that Agent Smith guy, and make them do all kinds of crazy shit in a hallucination? Call those guys that did those Matrix movies and see if we can borrow that old software!"

Barbosa made no sense going all maniacal as they were about to fall of the edge. And what did the crew expect? They were just going to float up to Davy Jones' Locker (which, in lore, is not some sandy joint, but THE BOTTOM OF THE OCEAN) and the natives would run out to greet them? "You've doomed us all!" a shipmate screams out at Barbosa, to which I couldn't help think, "And you expected any less at the 'World's End?'" I thought. And like THAT boat was sea-worthy. I wouldn't put that out on our lake in a high wind, let alone, THE SEA.

WHY did Swan's dad die? Because they didn't want to keep up with him through the plot, so they threw him over. And then "She canno leave da boot," and yet Jack can flip the boat, guys can fall off, and that's OK.

WHY was Davy Jones' heart blowing up such a big deal. If the heart died, Davy Jones...what? Died? Wait, that's not right, because you have to stab the heart to kill him. Oh, wait, but The Flying Dutchman MUST have a Captain. So... If Davy Jones died by a canon shot at the chest... Then who captains The Dutchman? Plot hole as big as the hole in Davy's chest where his heart used to be.

I grow weary just thinking about this, and I'm not even halfway done.

If Davy Jones can move through time, space, and water like he did to visit Calypso, couldn’t he set up a plot to steal his chest back? Waiiiiit, that wouldn't make sense.

Orlando Bloom, please stop talking. And "Well, I guess it always belonged to you. Keep it safe?" The melodrama had me rolling my eyes. By that point, the movie had lost me, so maybe the line was delivered with some acting talent, but I was too see-sick to notice. Yes, I spelled it that way intentionally.

Why didn't Calypso destroy the Black Pearl, The Flying Dutchman, all the Pirate Lords (Who were RIDICULOUS), and the whole British armada? "They shall feel my fury" was melodrama when Calypso, you know, tried to sink, you know TWO ships in the whole sea of hundreds.

When the Black Pearl and The Flying Dutchman destroy the Flagship of the British Navy, and the rest scatter, I rolled my eyes and wanted the pain to end. It wouldn't for another 25 minutes.

Thank God this series is over. From Disneyland ride to pop culture in 5 years, one can only hope they don't go all George Lucas on us and decide to make the first three prequels. Jack Sparrow as a little boy, rescued from Rum Island, growing into his pirate abilities, influenced by an older, more clever deckhand named Barbosa. Come to think of it, THAT might have more potential.

Spiderman 3 Review

What a steaming pile of crap that movie was. It was heavy-handed, emotionally devoid, melodramatic, jingoistic in moments, and Emo Peter Parker really just sent it over the top in utter ridiculousness. There were several points in the movie where everyone was laughing or groaning, or even rolling their eyes and saying "whaaat?", when it was meant to be a serious, emotional moment.

I personally was lost about 35 minutes before the end, and wanted it desperately to be over. I stormed out the back pissed and yelling. People were getting mad at me as I swore at the movie. I didn't care. Some girl was like "well, I liked it," and all I could snap back was "You would." I was just so mad I gave up good money, time, and sleep to watch what I could have ripped from Netflix

I almost think Sam Raimi MEANT to make this drivel. My guess is he wanted out of the Spiderman contract so he could have his schedule open for The Hobbit if New Line can't figure out what they're doing with Peter Jackson. My gut makes me hope that that was the case, and not the latter, that Sam Raimi ACTUALLY BELIEVED this was a good movie.

The good parts of this movie were, suprisingly, James Franco (Harry/The Hobgoblin), and Topher Grace (Eddie Brock/Venom). I've frowned on James Franco as a pretty-boy wanna-be actor, especially considering his previous jobs between Spiderman movies. Here, finally, he really comes into his own. His character really makes the movie, really brings to life the torn psyche of Harry's good and bad side, and how he chooses to balance it. Not to mention the RIDICULOUSLY cool action sequence between him and Parker in the movie's first act.

Topher Grace knocks this character out of the park. The smarmy, ambitious Eddie Brock was nailed on the head with Topher. His alter ego in the form of Venom needed MUCH more scren time. I'm crossing my fingers and hoping that someone with some pull at Sony Pictures recognizes that Eric from That 70's Show could have his own film franchise using Venom's character. I have no misconception that they will miss this little jewel they found in their hand and throw it away with the detritus left over when the Spiderman 3 series enthusiasm cools, and people start debating which three-quel was worse, X-Men, Spiderman, or Godfather?

I don't think Transformers will be blockbuster hit my inner 8-year-old hopes it to be. The last good movie Michael Bay directed was 'The Rock'. I find myself enthusiastically looking at the Pirate's three-quel with a faded hope. I didn't even really LIKE the Pirates of The Caribbean movies, but I thought they were OK. Now I look to them as the saving grace in summer blockbusters.